The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Old-Fashioned AG Cookies

Sessions is gone, but his cookies live on. If the U.S. is anything like the UK, his image will probably be rehabilitated soon enough. We have not seen the la-yust of him.

INGREDIENTS

1 old, white, Southern man with drawl (b. <1950 CE)

1 package Keebler cookies (32 oz.)

½ c. easily offended sensibilities

¾ t. outrage 

½ t. indignation (self-righteous works best)

1 16 oz. package bittersweet blind kowtowing

1 can pressurized hamstrung ethics

Recusals

Half-truths

Fear

1 resignation

Obtain a large box of Keebler cookies. Fudgkins will also work. Make sure they are white and made of well-processed ingredients.

Harvest one old, white, Southern man from a long and deeply entrenched career and oligarchical culture. Ensure he is a confirmed member of the ruling elite, while sufficiently myopic morally to repeatedly claim personal subjection to injustice and racism.

Inspect him well for jowls and pronounced southern drawl. If insufficiently evident, harvest another old, white, Southern man and reinspect. These are easily obtained in Congress.

Place the old, white, Southern man alongside a Keebler elf cookie (refer to image above). If they appear to be siblings, continue with the recipe. If not, harvest another old, white, Southern man and compare. Continue until resemblance is confirmed.

Break up the Keebler cookies, crumbling them into small pieces. They should resemble sand, as though in an hourglass. Generously sprinkle the easily offended sensibilities over the crumbled cookie, while intoning “My word!” and “I never!” and “Never in all mah born days!” Measure and mix in the outrage and indignation.

Place the blind kowtowing over low heat in a bain marie (apologies for the papist reference; the authors did not invent the name for this). When it is liquified, drizzle it over the easily-offended sensibilities. Do not mix. The success of the blind kowtowing and easily offended sensibilities depend on an incomplete incorporation.

Vigorously shake the can of hamstrung ethics. When you spray it on the blind kowtowing and easily offended sensibilities, do not aim too hard. This may be counterintuitive, but the hamstrung ethics will work best when they cover the ceiling and drip down – first annoyingly, and then later, rancidly.

Generously grease a 9×14 pan with recusals and half-truths. Liberally dust with fear. Place in a moderate oven for 13 months.

Publicly humiliate the cookies after they have finished baking. Serve with subpoena but immediately remove the subpoena from the table because it will be ignored. Replace subpoena with resignation and re-serve.