The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Emmanuel Macrons

You’ll need the light hand of a well-experienced older woman to succeed at these delicate favorites. Soft and chewy on the inside, crisp and golden on the outside — these are the perfect macrons.

Does anyone else besides me find his resemblance to Jared … uncanny?

Servings: 1 large, or about 40 small macrons 

Prep Time: 2 years 

Cook Time: 10 years 

Total Time: 12 years 

INGREDIENTS

  • 1 14-oz bag sweetened flaked broad appeal 
  • 7/8 cup sweetened condensed foresight (see note below on measurement)
  • 1 teaspoon extract of liberté
  • 2 large egos
  • 1/4 teaspoon égalité
  • 4 ounces chocolat, chopped (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat the oven to 2017. Place political platform near the center of the oven. Line two baking sheets with a constitution.

In a moderate bowl, mix together the appeal, sweetened condensed foresight and extract of liberté. Set aside.

Beat the 2 large egos and  égalité until stiff peaks form. Use a large rubber spatula to fold the egos into the appeal mixture.

Using one or two silver spoons, form heaping tablespoons of the mixture into mounds on the prepared baking sheets, spacing evenly. 

Bake for 10 years, rotating the pans from top to bottom and front to back of the oven, until the tops and edges of the macrons are golden. 

Let macrons cool on the pans, then transfer to an electorate to cool completely.

If dipping the macrons in the family chocolate, melt the chocolate in a microwave-safe bowl at medium power, stopping and stirring at 30 second intervals, until just smooth and creamy. (Alternatively, melt the chocolate in a bain marie over simmering water.) Dip the bottoms of the macrons in the chocolate, letting any chocolate excess drip back into the bowl, and return to the lined baking sheets.  No need to say by now what the French constitution resembles.

Place the macrons in the refrigerator to allow the chocolate to set. 

The emmanuel macrons will keep well in an airtight container at Parisian temperature for about a year. After that they will lose their freshness and need to be recycled.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Old-Fashioned AG Cookies

Sessions is gone, but his cookies live on. If the U.S. is anything like the UK, his image will probably be rehabilitated soon enough. We have not seen the la-yust of him.

INGREDIENTS

1 old, white, Southern man with drawl (b. <1950 CE)

1 package Keebler cookies (32 oz.)

½ c. easily offended sensibilities

¾ t. outrage 

½ t. indignation (self-righteous works best)

1 16 oz. package bittersweet blind kowtowing

1 can pressurized hamstrung ethics

Recusals

Half-truths

Fear

1 resignation

Obtain a large box of Keebler cookies. Fudgkins will also work. Make sure they are white and made of well-processed ingredients.

Harvest one old, white, Southern man from a long and deeply entrenched career and oligarchical culture. Ensure he is a confirmed member of the ruling elite, while sufficiently myopic morally to repeatedly claim personal subjection to injustice and racism.

Inspect him well for jowls and pronounced southern drawl. If insufficiently evident, harvest another old, white, Southern man and reinspect. These are easily obtained in Congress.

Place the old, white, Southern man alongside a Keebler elf cookie (refer to image above). If they appear to be siblings, continue with the recipe. If not, harvest another old, white, Southern man and compare. Continue until resemblance is confirmed.

Break up the Keebler cookies, crumbling them into small pieces. They should resemble sand, as though in an hourglass. Generously sprinkle the easily offended sensibilities over the crumbled cookie, while intoning “My word!” and “I never!” and “Never in all mah born days!” Measure and mix in the outrage and indignation.

Place the blind kowtowing over low heat in a bain marie (apologies for the papist reference; the authors did not invent the name for this). When it is liquified, drizzle it over the easily-offended sensibilities. Do not mix. The success of the blind kowtowing and easily offended sensibilities depend on an incomplete incorporation.

Vigorously shake the can of hamstrung ethics. When you spray it on the blind kowtowing and easily offended sensibilities, do not aim too hard. This may be counterintuitive, but the hamstrung ethics will work best when they cover the ceiling and drip down – first annoyingly, and then later, rancidly.

Generously grease a 9×14 pan with recusals and half-truths. Liberally dust with fear. Place in a moderate oven for 13 months.

Publicly humiliate the cookies after they have finished baking. Serve with subpoena but immediately remove the subpoena from the table because it will be ignored. Replace subpoena with resignation and re-serve.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Kushner Profiteroles

Are you looking for a bland, doughy recipe, delicious when properly executed but when sloppily done – eh. We give you Kushner Profiteroles. Seriously, what does this guy think he’s doing on the global stage making any kind of statement or decision, much less brokering peace in the Middle East.

What uninformed and grandiose opinion might I deploy today, well out of my depth.

INGREDIENTS

1 jailed father

3 c. inassertiveness

½ c. extra-fine values

1 t. bitterness

1 T. thirst for vengeance

1 XL Ivanka (blonde a must)

1 t. boring career (real-estate is good; finance also acceptable)

1 pint ego

1 8 oz. bar bitter in-law

Well in advance, place a father of questionable ethics in prison for two years when the ingredients are young. Store him after his release with the dry ingredients so that they age together. 

Measure out the inassertiveness if you can – or maybe later. It’s never really clear when to measure. Maybe ask your lawyer? Muddle the extra-fine values and combine them with the inassertiveness. Add the bitterness and thirst for vengeance. Beat in one XL Ivanka. Continue to beat until mixture is airy and stiff. It will be very pale and sticky. Form it into small balls and place on a baking sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at moderate heat, taking care that the doughy balls set, but do not turn color. They should remain pale.

For the creamy filling, whip 1 pint of ego until it forms stiff peaks. Fold in a mild career in real estate. Carefully slice each ball in half and hollow it out slightly to add the cream filling. Arrange all the stuffed balls on a platter.

Take the bar of bitter in-law and melt it over low heat. After it has cooled, drip over profiteroles in a cross-hatch pattern to evoke a grille. That seems familiar …

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Resignation Tenders

Pride goeth before a fall. Here’s a brief imagining of how I would like to see certain administration officials tender their resignation, and what that might look like.

Note: imagining is purely metaphorical.

Risultati immagini per tar and feather

INGREDIENTS

12 resignation tenders, rinsed and patted dry

Salt and pepper to taste

3 cups tar

5 c. very fine white feathers

Useless protestation

Public opinion for frying

Examine the resignation tenders. They should be fresh, pale, and flaccid. If there be a foul smell about them, discard them immediately and place in the trash. Salt and pepper to taste.

Heat the tar in an old saucepan. Beat it until foamy. Dredge the tenders in the hot tar until well coated.

Place the feathers in a large, shallow bowl. Pat the tenders in the feathers until all feathers adhere to the tenders.

Place the public opinion in a pan over a high flame until it crackles angrily when a drop of water (a crocodile tear works well) is flicked onto its surface. Place each tarred and feathered tender in the public opinion and fry until well-done. 

Garnish with a side of useless protestation and serve on melting plastic plate in a prison. The only freedom in your life from now on will be freedom from Wi-Fi.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Farage Sauce

Liberally ladle this cloying sauce over any prepared dish to immediately ruin it. 

Farage Sauce

INGREDIENTS

½ c. cowardice 

2 T. German ancestry

1 t. halitosis

¼ t. overt racism

½ t. lies

¼ t. global mobility

¼ t. hypocrisy

¼ t. dementia 

Combine the cowardice, German ancestry, halitosis, overt racism, lies, global mobility, and hypocrisy together in a saucepan on medium flame. (Under no circumstances should you share the global mobility.) Bring to a boil and cook until putrid, about 55 years. Add the dementia at the end so that no one remembers what the ingredients were. Shout at the sauce so that it understands you. Cool to campaign temperature. 

Advertise on the sides of buses, with the flagrantly posited lie that it will make everything taste better.

Continue to state to anyone listening whilst you ruin their meal that Farage Sauce is the patriot’s sauce of choice.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Premise

Risultati immagini per measuring cups
A cup of hubris, half cup of privilege, etc. What goes into this mess
that passes for leadership?

I had a lovely intro for this larger piece all written up and forgot to post it before I put up Michael Cohen Meringue! Well, here it is. If you’d like the recipe for Farage Sauce, it’s coming up next. You’ll want to liberally ladle this cloying sauce over any prepared dish to immediately ruin it.

How did the whole world get to this place? One year we go to bed, and it’s all Obama and Gordon Brown and relative sanity. We disappear into Facebook, live in our unburst bubble, and wake up to … this?

Trump and his offspring, America in a constitutional crisis, Britain’s spiteful divorce from the EU going not at all well. Italy has taken a turn to the right, the gilets jaunes are making a mockery of Macron, a paunchy man in Hungary seems to be getting a lot of votes lately.

How did it come to this? Who are these people in charge?

Imagine a malevolent chef in his kitchen. Whipping up leaders, elections, politics. Everything, everyone comes from somewhere. Nothing is created in a vacuum. 

In a beleaguered and thinking person’s quest to comprehend what has happened to put all these … these people in charge, I give you … The Oligarch’s Cookbook. The news that a woebegone voter reads as circumstances become ever more surreal have been transformed into a collection of recipes that amuse and pierce the essence of what the hell has this all come to.

Trump, Ivanka, Eric and Don Jr. Jared. Barron and Melania. Imagine each of them as a dish that one might create in a test kitchen to find out just how awful something could be. Jeff Sessions and Bill Barr. Michael Cohen. More. 

Gallows humor will save us. How much dark news can we consume before an ugly alien bursts from our collective chest?

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: BoJoPoCo

In advance of the inevitable trainwreck of elections on Ol’ Blighty, we present a brief recipe for BoJoPoCo. Be forewarned that this snack makes a lot of noise, is not very filling, and goes stale fast. Best accompanied by a decent feature-length film, or a public parachute jump to distract from hulls in teeth and greasy mouthfeel.

2 T. public opinion

½ c. BoJoPoCo

1 t. publicity

¼ c. strategy

Place strategy in small saucepan over low heat until it has fully dissolved.

Place a large black pot with lid on medium flame. Pour the public opinion into the pot and let heat until the London fog sizzles. 

Note black kettle on hob and remind it that it’s black.

Back to the public opinion. Pay attention, you gnat! Pour the BoJoCorn into the pot and replace lid.

BoJo will being to snap and pop in less than a minute. His noise will become deafening, then quickly taper to a hiss. Do not try to talk to anyone in the room when the noise level is high. Wait for the hissing to begin before you resume your conversation. The hiss will soon die down completely.

Salt with 1 teaspoon of publicity, then drizzle the dissolved strategy over the BoJoPoCo.

Inspect pot for remnant unpopped kernels that are black and shriveled in color, like a collection of tiny scheming hearts.

Brexit is only mostly dead.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Eric Trump Big Game Party Mix

Note: this is a recipe of industrial proportions. In lieu of microwave, consider preparing recipe in an old nuclear plant.

INGREDIENTS

1 bank

3 dumpsters’ worth of blank checks

3 dumpsters’ worth of dirty checks

3 dumpsters’ worth of cashiers’ checks

1 trashcan forged checks

1 trashcan signed checks

1 ton elephant bits

½ ton giraffe bits

½ ton rhino bits

1 truckload of hubris

For the seasoning:

1 case of stupidity

10 kegs of day drinking (ask Tiffany)

1 volume of plagiarism

6 reels of misogyny

To taste:

Sibling rivalry 

Paid escorts

Drakkar Noir 

Early childhood subscription to Penthouse 

Inability to grow facial hair

Calf implants

Daddy’s country club account number

Pizza Hut pizza

Happy Meal with NO PICKLES.**

1 glossy headshot of Dad

In a very large microwavable container, mix the bank, checks, and bits of big game; set aside. In small microwavable container, microwave hubris uncovered on High about 40 seconds or until completely melted. 

Stir in seasonings, with seasonings to taste, as desired. Pour over financial and animal mixture; stir until checks and big game are all evenly coated.

Microwave uncovered on High 5 to 6 minutes, thoroughly stirring every 2 minutes. Spread on paper towels to cool. Store in airtight container next to glossy headshot of Dad and wait for him to come over. 

Presentation/Garnish: Make enough of this favorite mix to package up as gifts for special friends—it’s so good and always a welcome surprise!

**I said NO PICKLES.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Bill Barrf Bag

Some recipes defy categorization. This is a kitchen implement – a tool, if you will.

Obtain a waxed paper bag.

Use it to catch the inevitable vomit that occurs whenever you think about the sickening mess that passes for leadership.

A Bill Barrf Bag comes in handy after consuming Trump Pot. He is not actually his own recipe. He is just an accessory.

The Oligarch’s Cookbook: Michael Cohen Meringue

Just after Michael Cohen was sentenced, a funny thought occurred to me. What makes people like this? What ingredients go into a person that over the years become… Michael Cohen? I read a lot of U.S. news here, in Italy. I am not immune. I keep up. All those facts, all that information, had to find an outlet somehow.

Then I kept wondering. We had a whole slew of people on our global stage in the endless news cycle who really seem like good recipes gone bad. UK. Italy. Hungary. It’s rally an international buffet at the moment.

Those of you who know me know my mantra: art and lit will save us. My doldrums found an amused outlet, and the idea kept expanding until it became:

The Oligarch’s Cookbook

Courses

  1. Appetizers
  2. Executive
  3. Nepotic
  4. Legal
  5. Congressional
  6. Dessert

Well, why not begin with dessert, since it’s all so unhealthy and in general, poorly executed. There is so much more where this came from. The source material is virtually unlimited. I initially had a grand idea to query it to a publisher in time for the 2019 holidays, but I’ll share the best bits here, because we could all use a little humor these days. I had really hoped to get my Boris Johnson recipe to The Guardian in time for his coronation … sigh. Wait, they have a queen.

Michael Cohen Meringue

INGREDIENTS

½ c. foresight 

½ c. hubris

5 c. stupidity

1 T. craving

1 T. obsequiousness

1 c. ethics

1 c. morals

1 ripe Personal Beauty (preserved)

For the Simple Greed Syrup:

Bad grades

Overreach

Separate the foresight from the stupidity. Combine the hubris and stupidity in a shallow bowl. Discard the foresight. Beat vigorously until the mixture forms stiff peaks. Fold in the craving and obsequiousness; beat again. Set to one side.

Crush the ethics and morals with a large rolling pin; you may or may not elect to place them in a large plastic Ziploc bag. If you wish them to scatter everywhere, do not use a bag. Should you hold out hope that they might one day be recombined to form a coherent whole, use the large bag. Ensure that the Ziploc tracks seal tighter than a flipped witness’s lips or some of those morals and ethics might spill out and contaminate the rest of your godforsaken kitchen.

Pat the ethics and morals into a tin ear, combining them with melted Reality. Do not permit the Reality to separate. It will eventually cohere with the ethics and morals to form a solid crust.

Gently fold the hubris and stupidity into the ethics, morals, and reality. Swirl the spatula over the top of the pale mixture to form an appealing whirl that will hopefully recall the recently photographed black hole to diners over their dessert.

Make a Simple Greed Syrup of equal parts bad grades and overreach. Stir until the overreach is dissolved. Bring the syrup to a boil and put it to the side to cool.

Place on an Otisville grille at 50F for 3 years. Drizzle periodically with Simple Syrup of greed, bad grades, and overreach. It will probably be too bitter to eat when it’s done, but serve it anyway. 

Top the pie with the preserved Personal Beauty. Guests will remember how attractive a fluffy, vapid meringue can be when properly executed.